I have so many words running through my mind and I am really not sure where to start. Do I start with why I got fat, why I decided to have a major surgery to assist with losing weight. There are so many words I am just not sure where to begin.
I am sitting here watching the cursor blinking, going over all the words and trying to figure out what to say first. No matter what I say it will not compare to the failure I feel inside. With just a couple months before my surgery I am working hard on the deep feelings I have inside to come to terms with the situation that I got myself into and the help I am needing to over come it. Now, I know that my loved ones will say I am not a failure but it just doesn't change that feeling inside. I assume that will always be a part of me and I just need to deal with it and move on.
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I really started to feel the effects of my weight on my body. Walking to the store with my husband wasn't easy and after a block or two my back would start hurting. Sometimes I literally thought it would just break in half. I would think "fuck they say to walk but its killing me". I started looking into weight loss options. I have done weight watchers a couple and yes it worked for a short time but it wasn't for me. I tried prescribed weight loss pills and that didn't work. Eating healthy been there, hell I even joined a gym a few dozen times and at first I was very good at going. I was hell bent on becoming an exercise guru but that didn't happen either. The hunger was overwhelming. I wish I could explain to everyone who doesn't know what the hunger feeling feels like. Some many people say that after so long it goes away but let me tell you, it didn't. It was at the point the hunger would get so bad the diet routine I was under would fail. As I was feeling effects of the weight I realized that for me to exceed at weight loss I need to have surgery.
Now people have this preconceived notion that surgery is the easy way out. By all means it is not. I mean think about a 6-7 hour surgery, pain after surgery, having to give up things that you can splurge on when doing regular diets. Then the excessive amounts of extra skin because of how quickly the weight comes off. How is that the easy way out. I have friends that have dropped 100+ pounds with healthy eating and exercise. I am so proud of them and think they are amazing. Each person is different and each weight loss option is different for each person as well. We are all the same, we are wanting healthier lifestyles. They avenues is just different but the destination is the same.
Okay I will step off my soap box for now. As the months get closer to my surgery the more nervous I become. I am scared for my husband and the wait we will go through while I am in surgery. I'm nervous how things will go after surgery. I am so scared to have to rely on total support from my husband to help me the first few days after we get home. I am the care taker, I make sure the house is in order and bills are paid. Its not that he can't do it its just that I am the one the does it. Its scary to thing I am the one going to need the help. With that I am going to go for now and will be back in a couple days to get some more of the words out.
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